Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
last night I used snow as a chaser
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
