woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
