You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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