I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
