Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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