When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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