I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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