We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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