I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
sarcasm needs its own font
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
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