i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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