So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
