she kept yelling 'call me bella'
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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