She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
