I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize