You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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