It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
