I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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