did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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