Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
