Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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