i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
