over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
