I cockslap morals
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
