i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
