I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
