I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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