How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
