Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
