You're my little dorito
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
We left the knife in your bed.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
