and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
