I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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