just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
