Your face is a jimmy john
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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