is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
