I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
