Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Houston, we have a blender
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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