My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
