I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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