I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
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