so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize