of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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