I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Welp...herpes.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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