Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
