i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
