Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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