I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
