Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
the day after is always just damage control
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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