goodnight i made you a song goodbye
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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