Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I need a hoe opinion
go on
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
