He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
