Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
