Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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