When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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