I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
