Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
