Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
