I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
