he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
