I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
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