I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize