Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
